Deep Within 02/22/2012
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I headed to my parish’s pre-dawn Ash Wednesday liturgy. I needed the silence to center the start of my day and this penitential season that will break forth into Easter.
But the surprise came when I brought my mother to the noon service, and I heard the familiar hymn that always takes me back: “Deep within I will plant my law not on stones but in your heart. Follow me, I will bring you back…”
I sang (and I don’t often do this) this very hymn to a dear friend who has since run her race into eternity.
And today, deep within, I hear anew: Run to Me, and I will transform you. Yes, I will give up some things, but the unbridled joy at what I pick up elicits the ever familiar invitation: Come, run with me. Something beautiful is at the doorstep.
And so I run. And you?
Breakfast of Champions 02/22/2012
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It is not often that the timing of a race permits me to attend Mass beforehand, but the stair climb these past two years is a welcomed exception. For me, every race has a purpose greater than myself, so it is vitally important to me to unite my efforts to the prayers of those in my life. A dear friend said I had my “breakfast of champions” before I hit the race course.
So to Mass I went, and one of our priests blessed me after Mass, an additional reminder that the stair climb was an opportunity to honor the One who gives me each breath. Bread of transforming life, prayers of so many to propel me up and forward- the familiar fatigue held no sway on the 804 steps.
So tell me, what gets you through? It has been a while since I’ve said this: I am propelled by Love-that is what and more importantly Who gets me through.
And the champions? Why they are the souls who form that great cloud of witnesses to cheer me. And you, my friend, are called to be the same for others in your life, part of that same body of witnesses, the salt and light that transforms the world.
Nineteen 02/18/2012
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For nearly every race in which I have competed, I assembled a playlist culled from the music that was randomly selected in the weeks and months prior to the respective event. For tomorrow’s race, #19, I invited some of my friends to offer some musical inspiration, so that they too would accompany me on this momentous climb. Forty three songs made the cut, and others will be used for my musical preparation for upcoming races. Many are on the list for the pulse they will provide as I climb 45 flights, and some are part of the prayer that weaves itself into every step I take in training.
So, here goes a brief shout out to the 32 musicians who will get me through tomorrow-and who inspire my friends and me to dig deeper on their race: Whitney Houston, AC/DC, Joss Stone, Matt Maher, Black Eyed Peas, Lenny Kravitz, Casting Crowns, John Michael Talbot, Avalon, Christina Aguilera, Maroon 5, Audio Adrenaline, Prince, Flo Rida, Pitbull, Nicole C. Mullen, Lady Gaga, Def Leppard, George Thorogood, Ricky Skaggs, One eskimO, Rod Zombie, Bach/Gounod, Wild Cherry, Grand Funk Railroad, Grace Potter and the Nocturnals, Coolio/George Clinton, Fergie, The Beatles, Kelly Clarkson, Sean Paul, and Three Crosses.
Disparate. Eclectic. Surprising. An unusual medley, to say the least, converged for race #19 for me. It reminds me of another disparate, eclectic, and surprising group of men that hung out with Jesus…and changed the world.
Nothing is ever as it appears. Onward and upward to number nineteen tomorrow.
Chosen 02/18/2012
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For eight weeks I have been silent, insofar as it pertains to this blog. Thankfully it has been a mild winter with less than four inches of snowfall, so my silence cannot be attributed to being snowbound! It would be so easy and convenient to expound on the turns my personal race has taken in the past eight weeks, but as in the training I do, greater discipline rules when I stop. look. listen.
Perhaps it was the conclusion of one year and the commencement of another that elicited a needed and welcomed period of reflective hibernation. Nevertheless, a thought remains with me from the Christmas season. As I celebrated with extended family during the holiday season, I recalled looking around the table, a familiar verse from a song came to mind, and a few days later I heard the very same words as I listened to them in a Mass reading: “Because you are chosen, called to be holy, because you are the Lord’s beloved, you must clothe yourself in kindness and heartfelt mercy…” I smiled, looking around the table at my mother and friends gathered together, and the familiar sense of heartwarming love flooded my senses. Each of us was chosen, from the beginning of time, to be whom we were in that very moment, and the satisfaction of realizing this anew connected me to the sacred meal and the revelation of unbridled Love that we experience every time we break bread together. Yes, indeed, we are chosen, holy, beloved….
And so the story continues with my preferred and perhaps well-traveled metaphor of the race into 2012. In less than forty eight hours, I will attempt for the second time a stair climbing event that is also a fundraiser for the American Lung Association. Eight hundred four steps await my friend and me, yet for me, I prostrate myself before this sacred journey, made in honor of a deceased friend, made in thanksgiving for the God-given ability to do so. Although I have revisited certain venues in my new life, each visit offers me new opportunities to learn and grow. Each race, each climb, offers me a much-needed refresher on humility. No heroism emerges or accolades are sought. Rather, I seek to remember that each step is imbued in a holiness that does not originate with me. I seek to connect to being so cherished and beloved by the joys and challenges that are the fabric of my life. I am called to dig deeper and rise higher; I am chosen-to draw nearer to the blessings that my climb offers. I accept the invitation.
Great Expectations 12/20/2011
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Nearly two weeks ago the idea to write about great expectations came to me, not the eponymous work that bears this name, but a reflection on great expectations that shape my life. How dare I attempt to put into words such heart truths! I shall be brief.
I am getting ready for Christmas…and for spring. Two weeks ago, in the early days of this preparatory and reflective Advent season with which each liturgical year commences, I recalled two recent experiences of untold expectation. Fearfully expectant, I launched myself headlong into the shadow ensconced in the news of a friend’s terminal diagnosis eight years ago, expecting light to emerge on the other side. Through great fire, this was realized, and my personal transformation ensued.
Then the invitation three years ago, again during Advent, took fearful expectation and changed what I experienced as my previously normal life into something more beautiful than I could imagine. My heart already started the journey, and now my body and mind ran (pardon the pun) headlong to this new life that is reflected in the difficult yet fulfilling temple maintenance I now embrace as part of my daily ritual and routine. What is the catch? Loss took human form for me, and the re-narration of my life draws me deeper into the mystery of my faith, reminding me anew of the Great Expectation embodied in Jesus’ advent, to set aright the great undoing left behind in the garden. As I see my life undone and rewoven in this Great Expectation, I am humbled at the thought that redemption comes in small but mighty packaging. Just as a baby conceived and born in “untimely” circumstances, each of us possesses the opportunity to join in this timely work.
I have not arrived unscathed to my current abode, and every day presents challenging moments where I miss the mark. But I am not done…not yet. Tonight, as I drove home in the rain from the grocery store, I smelled spring in the air. I was surprised to detect this familiar aroma, a sneak preview in these last days of fall. Autumn’s beauty fades to winter’s pristine silence…and then new life comes with spring. Advent-loss takes human form and ushers in new life. Oh yes, spring is coming, and just as I smelled the earth’s freshness, my heart lifted, knowing that the beauty of the garden par excellence is at the doorstep. I rest in this joy tonight. I run to my loss, and I will not let it go until it blesses me. I am undone-redone-by this great expectation.
Come run with me…to the manger, to the garden, to the tomb, to sunrise eternal. I learn something new each time I run this course.
Waiting… 12/01/2011
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Last week’s Thanksgiving Day Race saw nearly 14,000 runners and walkers finish. I walked it alone…sort of. None of my usual training partners were able to join me, and perhaps that is the way it was meant to be. So I walked, surrounding by thousands of others, and I listened. Not to my music, which assisted me in maintaining a steady pace, but rather I listened to my pulse. Strong, steady, certain, and my mind focused on the person for whom I “ran” this race, my mother. It was the final race I would compete in for 2011, and I wanted to offer my prayer on this day in thanksgiving for my mother. She has been steadfast in her support of me in this new life I now lead, even reaping some positive health benefits too, and as I left home to drive downtown for the race, she sent me with breakfast, a smile, and her inimitable prayer: “Go and win.”
Go and win. Hmmm, now that is sublime wisdom, not spoken with hubris, but humility. Remember your roots, Roxanne, is what I heard, dare I say, felt with her blessing. How apropos that a few days before the start of Advent, my mother would be waiting for me yet again, so as I walked I recalled other times she waited for me, and one singular event came to mind.
It was a Saturday morning in mid-November, and a young mother was at home, and the familiar pain that she felt before told her that today would be like no other-she would give birth today. Soon. And so it was, in the early hours of that day, her waiting ended and I arrived in the world. She waited for me. She hoped for me. It was not an easy world in which I was born, I imagine, for in the familiar grasping of hands, perhaps I somehow knew that more struggles would come…and that I would not release them until they blessed me. Strengthened me. Made certain my steps in an uncertain world.
Many more such times would she wait and hope for me, and again she tells me, “Go and win.” Once again, she sent me forth to find my path anew, and she stands at the door waiting for me. As with Simeon from of old, she waits for the blessing, and she will not go until she sees it come to pass. My mother knows something that I do not know, cannot begin to fathom. She knows that it is okay to wait for the blessing to come.
Thank you, Mom, for waiting and hoping for me. May I one day reflect the depth of trust you so now eagerly embrace. I am grateful for you, for the reminder you give me of another mother who waited for the blessing to come to pass. The blessing each of us can be in the world extends forward to infinity and backwards to eternity. Mom, you remind me that I am not great in and of myself, but that I find greatness in the hope, faith, and trust that love me to life each day. So yes, I am thankful for you-more than words can say. I too await the blessings to come.
Awake…Alive 11/13/2011
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Twenty one days. A lot can happen in one day, even more so twenty one days. I have read that it takes that long to form a new habit, but I do not want to write about new habits today, unless the new habit involves being…awake. Not just getting out of bed awake, I am talking about the full-fledged I-smell-the-coming-of-a-new-season awake. Not asleep, not awake, but ALIVE. The I feel/smell/taste/love/live sense of being alive.
Not what I expect to reflect on when pounding the pavement in a 13.1-mile race. On a cool crisp morning three weeks ago, I hit a wall and experienced some shadow moments that I did not anticipate. And still I ran to them, albeit by a slow walk. The weight of my body, the gravity of the prayers I carried in my heart, the mental temptation to abandon the very call for which I came to the sacred space embodied in the race rested heavily upon me, around me, within me. As I walked, I poignantly felt the daily struggles of my friends for whom I promised to pray. There was even a well-intentioned Samaritan who offered me a ride to the finish line; I declined. I came to run my race to its completion. I had to finish what I began; love compelled me to persevere.
Every race has a purpose greater than me. I finished as the course was being dismantled, yet calmness washed over and through me. “My God, take the prayers of this vessel of clay, borne patiently for love of those for whom I pray, and make something beautiful from them.” It does not matter who sees or knows what I do. Who I am is forged in the hard moments, when I hit the wall in private, and I am reminded of my humanity. I pressed on, I press on, for love. Family and friends texted and called me on the course, cheering me on. Fellow competitors who ran past me told me to keep going. Dare I say it, the heavenly hosts, my friends in high places, cheered me on too, “Remember the love for which you run. Finish and don’t give up. Remember the love.” Even the last song I heard as I finished the race reminded me that only love is necessary.
And that was enough to carry me home. Amazing what love inspires me to do. In the beauty of the slow run I embrace as my walk, my soul flung its arms wide, as it ran through the gossamer veil until it saw the sun. Every pain, every prayer, every step summed up in one word: yes. Yes to a renewed sense of being awake and alive after coming through fire.
O sacred steps taken in love, you take me through shadow, suffering, and loss to purify me. Thank you for the lessons I continue to learn, for I will run until the fullness of the blessing is revealed. Shadow and veil, splinter and suffering, broken earth and stones rolled away, I run to you and I will not let you go until you bless me.
Awake, alive, run, walk…for love. Every race has purpose; will you come run with me?
Joy at the End of the Journey 10/22/2011
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I am still reflecting on the depth of the lessons presented to me as I competed in my fourth marathon event in just a little more than a year. While the course wasn’t easy, I am grateful for the sublime peace and lessons I embraced today. God is not bereft of care for me, inviting me yet again to hear, learn, and grow deeper.
Thank you. More to come…
Memories 09/25/2011
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Last weekend, several girlfriends and my mother went to Chicago with me. Ostensibly, it was to celebrate my graduate school commencement, but I had an ulterior motive: making another memory in the transformation of a lifetime with my mom as we celebrated her birthday. She had never been to Chicago before, and more importantly, she witnessed all of my graduations. Fifth grade. Eighth grade. High school. Baccalaureate, and now my second graduate school opportunity. There was an unmistakable lift in my heart as I looked out into the Navy Pier Grand Ballroom and saw my family beaming at me. No words were exchanged, but when I saw my mom’s quiet smile, I knew that this was the right call.
And so it is so often in my life, even before I fully embraced the turns on the course. Stepping out in faith, going outside my presumed comfort zone, digging deeper, reaching farther…making memories that change, grow, and challenge me. So while I did not write a piece for my mother’s birthday this year, this one that I wrote three years ago speaks to a truth that I am humbled to witness:
How do I tell the story
That has such a good end,
One so unexpected
That has yielded a friend?
Do I talk about the one
Who sometimes misunderstood,
Who couldn’t always see
Past the bad to the good?
Then first, I must talk about me
Because I am the one who could not see
And who had to grow deeper
So that I could be free.
Free to love and live
And to learn how to give
From the one who gave me life.
That one is you
And you often knew
That your yes to my life
Would get you into so much too.
You care, and you share
You give, and you live
You press on and go
And most of the time
No one knows
All that you do.
But I do.
And so does God,
Who regularly gives you the nod
Of a Father who knows
That the seeds that were sown
Fell on good ground in you.
What is written here is just a start,
For this story of love
Is written in my heart.
© 2008 Roxanne E. Barnes. All Rights Reserved.
Indeed, every race has a purpose greater than myself…and some races, such as our trip to Chicago, was serendipitous. As the hood denoting my degree was placed on me, I looked out and saw my mother, and as if crystallized in a single moment, all the love that brought me to this moment overflowed me. Serendipitous-yes. Sacred-even more so. May I never stop seeking the serendipitous, for therein lies a reflection of love. To this I will never cease running.
Come, run with me.
A Certain Silence 09/10/2011
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While walking this morning, I found myself amazed that though music piped through my earphones, a certain silence enveloped me. Yes, I was grateful for the sun’s warmth after an astounding cool down this week, and I basked in its glow. Yet with each step, I pressed through a gossamer veil…into silence.
Tomorrow marks an anniversary no one in America wants to celebrate. Into our beloved nation’s history now stands another stark reminder of what our brothers and sisters around the world endure more frequently, the rebuilding of lives after terrorist attacks. The relational brokenness that permeated my life that fateful September 11, 2011 Tuesday morning as I worked in a community pharmacy melted into near-nothingness as my heart ached with my nation’s at the loss of thousands of lives in New York City, Washington, DC, and above the sky near Shanksville, PA. The sinewy fingers of death sought to silence us, but it failed. Resoundingly. Failed.
A prescient silence fraught with the untold miracles, stories, love, and potential of lives whose earthly sojourn ended that day rewrote the song of the universe forever. Silence, yes, but also the song of sacrifice. Oh that we could have more gracefully entered the dance, but sacrifice is never so convenient. Two thousand nine hundred and seventy seven people laid down their lives, and thousands of others bear in their souls the indelible mark of the sacrifice of their beloved. How dare I attempt to write of a sacrifice so great? I must lay down my pen, still my typing fingers, for I have no idea of what I attempt to speak.
So I step, no, I kneel, with my nation and the world…in a certain silence, and I remember. No matter the mode by which we journey, the sting of death is always surpassed by Life. Every race has a purpose greater than us. Truth never changes. Therein is the beauty of sacrifice and freedom. We live on and are the blessing…and so are they.
I am empty,
Empty like the tomb.
I am light
That leaves the day too soon.
I am dark,
As the third watch of the night.
I am song,
With wings your soul takes flight
I am freedom,
Encased in pots of clay.
I am life,
That can never be taken away.
© 2006. Roxanne E. Barnes. All Rights Reserved.
